New Website

      I have started a new website called married in Arkansas. Since I am no longer 39, I have started a new blog about my married life with my husband. Please go to
http://www.marriedinarkansas.blogspot.com/

Good Intentions But Again I Am A Failure

     Yes, I did name the title of this blog  "Good Intentions but again I am a failure."  I have every reason to feel like a failure at this point. I have 4 days left until my 40th Birthday and I did not completed the task I set out to do.

     I started out with a plan. I posted new blogs but not enough. Life got in my way. I wanted so much to follow through with the things I "Intend" to accomplish but somehow, someway, sometime, someone, something always - always seemed to come up to put a road block in my way.

So I am making a fresh start. I have started a new blog. I wanted to call it "My 40th Year and life with my husband." But I am seriously thinking about renaming it "Married Life in Arkansas" or something like that. (I know I am not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I don't know how else to end that sentence.)

     I have looked back at what I have done and what I have NOT done. What I  haven't done outweighs what I have done by a ton. I think that life gets in the way of "good intentions." Life gets in the way and I strayed from what I needed to do. I have thought that maybe I have ADD. (Attention Deficit Disorder) I know I don't have ADHD because I am definitely not hyper.

     Some things that have gotten in my way as to why I haven't followed through includes: work, money problems and my son.  I say work because I did take on a second part-time job for extra money because we have had so much money problems. I probably shouldn't be too specific because we all have problems unless you are rich. (I think all rich people don't have money problems. This may not be true but at least they aren't hoping their next paycheck hits the bank before the debt from their account for the gas they needed in their car so they could get home - happens) You would think a married couple could make it but with Eugene being fired from Kenworth and our income being literally cut in half made it especially hard. I really wish I didn't need money to survive but we all do and if you have had collection calls on past due bills then you can understand what I am talking about.

     Another thing in life that has gotten in the way of my good intentions is my son practically giving up on high school. He intentionally failed classes because he saw no sense in going because he missed one to many days. He should have graduated this year. He should be going to college, driving and have a job but he doesn't. I don't blame him or hate him or regret the decisions we made with him. He is a smart child and sometimes too smart for his own good. He has that Adamson temper, that Adamson personality, and that Adamson charm. 
     You could tell him that GOD doesn't kill people and he will argue that fact. In fact, he did this just today. He said "GOD killed ten thousand people in the Bible and the devil only killed ten people. So who is the bad guy?"  His arguement is that the devil didn't kill as many people in the Bible as GOD did so the devil isn't the bad guy. I could not argue with him. I did not attempt to argue with him over this. I pick and choose my battles and I did not not want to have a religious showdown with my son.

     It does hurt to have my son not doing the things I had thought he should do. Would I change anything? No. We gave him the power to choose for himself what is good and bad. We gave him freedom to express himself. Does he do drugs? No. Does he smoke? No. He has told me that I and do believe him. Can he lie to my face? Probably and probably has but he is my only child and I have had to let him have wings.

     So life has really gotten in my way of my success in losing the weight, of taking the challenge of redefining who and what I am, and of making things successful. I do not think I am any better than anyone else. I do not think I am deserving to be envious of at all.  If anything, I should be envious of every other woman in America. I have had coworkers and friends who think that I have it all and deep down inside "I don't understand why." 

     In my eyes, I am so blessed to have the husband who loves me for who and what I am. I am blessed to be in pretty good health. I am so blessed to have a son who isn't in trouble with the law or does drugs. I am so blessed to be able to have this ability to write. To write about what I know and to be able to post my stories on a website that will publish my writings. I am so blessed to be one of GOD's children and to know that there is more to life and that we will go on. 
     I was on my facebook page and a friend from school mentioned something about another friend from school who said we should keep her family in our prayers. I knew this had something to do with a medical problem but I don't know to what extent the illness had taken. This friend from school would be about the same age as I am, maybe a little older but not much. To know someone has died from something that could have been something I had makes me glad for the things I do have in this life. And even if this had happened to a friend from school anytime since school had been out - gives me pause to what has happened this past year - it makes me realize that things could have been worse.

     So I am not trying to be preachy here, I am not trying to turn the subject around to make you count your blessing. But I had good intentions and I failed. We all fail in life. I started out thinking that I could hold myself accountable, that I would feel ashamed about not blogging everyday so I would have to blog more. I had good intentions. Intentions are not enough in life. Intentions didn't get me through the last year. What I intended to do did not come true for me. If I had total control of my life, I would have succeeded. I would have lost over a hundred pounds. I would be better financially. I would have my book almost finished. BUT, life got in the way so I failed in my eyes.

     Something about all this tells me that no matter what I want I am not in control of my life. I do not sit in the pilot seat. I do not have magical powers. I cannot control other people and I cannot make things happen.

     I want to end by saying that good intentions are not good enough in this world. I may have failed with my intentions but my blessings are many so don't judge me. I am not in my pilot seat.

My Last Post on this Blog

To my Followers:

I am starting a new Blog called www.blogger.com/my40thyearandmylifewithmyhusband

Thanks for reading, Lisa

May 13th Typical Day in my life

I just need to start by saying that I think my life is probably better for reading than any story I can cook up. I mean for example what happened to day. It was just another day at work as usual. I got a lot done and I still have more to do. It is called "Job Security." Most people don't know what I do at the state police. I process the Concealed Handgun permits for Arkansas. I don't comment about what happens but just let me tell you - it is interesting everyday. I learn something new everyday and it is not boring. So a typical day is working my butt off getting my work done but it was just another day for me. The fun and interesting part started when it is about time to get off work.
I usually drive my car but my husband needs it for his evening job so he will come up there and switch out with me. So guess what? I drive the truck home. But it wasn't long after he left with the car did my husband call and ask if our son, Brandon, called me. I said no because he hadn't. Well, he told me that he was walking to church. Brandon had text me earlier to tell me he was going back to church tonight. So I called him and found out he was indeed walking and walking with this girl from school that is pregnant and they had made it to the pond but were turning around because she was sick. After he asked if I could get him some burgers from McDonalds, I hung up and finished what I needed to do so I could go after them.
I did find them. He was about a quarter of a mile away from the house - alone. I turned around and he got in old blue (that's what we call my husbands old truck). I asked where the girl was and he said he left her back there on Ram Road. His left foot and leg was hurting. He told me that he stepped in a bed of fire ants. Fire ants are thing I hate. I believe to this day my dad's death was directly related to fire ants. Brandon is allergic to them and I get paranoid everytime he steps in a pile.
Needless to say, we went to pick up this pregnant girl and took her to the church. Brandon came home. I know this isn't interesting yet. You may wonder why I say my life is probably more interesting than any story I have written. Well, it is because my son has such a unique way of dealing with people.
He had called and went off on his best friend because he won't answer his phone when this girl calls him. This girl is pregnant by Brandon's best friends older brother. On the way back home, Brandon called his best friend and basically apologized for going off on him but he said in such a way that it wasn't really an apology.
Brandon told him that he was sorry but that he knows how this girl is and that he should answer her phone calls because he has to deal with her and that his friend should deal with her also because they both know how persistant she can be. Sound confusing? I am too. I don't know the whole situation but I know this high school girl is pregnant by Brandon's best friends older brother whose family doesn't want to deal with her or the situation and Brandon being the counselor he is - helps this girl, who, by the way, he wanted as his girlfriend a year ago, is having a tough time. This isn't the first girl he has helped.
Brandon is the voice of reason. He want's to save every girl he comes in contact with whether it be at school or on the street. He had brought another girl home from school whose mother kicked her out because she is pregnant and Brandon helped her find a place to stay.
This conversation he had with his best friend was so typical and reminded me of his biological father. He has a lot of his father in him but he has this need to help people like my husband has. For these reasons I am proud of my son.
So nothing else happened. Came home, ate supper. Watched American Idol and now I need to sleep so I can get up tomorrow to start the whole thing over again.

To Carol - Love Charlie

You ever had a dream that you thought was real? Have you ever woke up in a sweat? Have you ever thought that maybe it really happened and worry about it so much you can’t go back to sleep? Yes, it has happened to me. It happened to me last night and I think I am still dreaming.
It all started with a ringing in my ears from the loud bell. A school bell that rang to signal the change of classes in school. But this bell happened to be lower on the wall, next to my desk by the door for my fast escape. I wanted to bolt and run into the hall down the corridor to lead to freedom from the walls of learning. Only I couldn’t run, I was stuck in the bed.
Nothing was making noise except the man the bed next to me of 15 years. No cars could be heard driving on the road. No dogs barking. Nothing except the eerie quietness of three o’clock in the morning. I lay there deeply breathing wondering if it was real. Wondering if maybe next time I could even hear at all.
What did I just dream? What really happened? I snuggle into my pillow thinking about my dream. Can’t remember. Can’t remember why I am so scared. Why am I scared? It was a good dream. I was back in high school. Everybody’s faces gracing the halls of my high school. The big hairdo’s. The funky dresses. Oh my god! And then there was me. A me that mentally was who I am today. I was that same high schooler looking like I did back then. I had the chance to change my life and make today a totally different episode in my life.
But what did I do? My husband was still beside me. The house is exactly the same. I tossed and turned the rest of the night thinking about what I did to make my life totally different.
I do my normal routine that morning, got the kids off to school, got dressed for work and kissed my husband goodbye. Nothing happened that seemed abnormal until I got to work. At my desk is a large dozen bouquet of red roses.
The card only says “Thinking about you, Charles.” I asked the lady who was at the front desk if she saw someone but she didn’t. None of my coworkers saw either. I couldn’t imagine who Charles was. It wasn't until my lunch hour that I found out.
I go to my usual lunch spot at the little café down the street. I took out my phone and made my call to my husband to see how things were going. After a few minutes, I hung up and finishing my salad. When the waitress came to take my plate she brought me a cheesecake drizzled with chocolate. .
“It’s from that dreamy man” as she eagerly pointed to a silhouette hiding behind a newspaper.
As he approached me the face seem familiar but I still wasn’t quite sure who he was until he spoke.
“Hi, Carol. It’s me. Charlie. Charles Hankins.” His smile was still the same as it was back in high school. “You may remember me as Clumsy Charlsey as the preps called me.”
I think if I could have seen myself I would have been tempted to slap myself out of my state of absolute shock. I hadn’t seen Charlie since graduation night. In that moment my dream flooded back to me. I was that little high school girl. To see Charlie who hadn’t aged except for the fine lines under his eyes. Oh, those beautiful soft brown eyes. In my dream, it was I who changed my who perception of who I was to be. I decided not to be that quiet girl without friends to one who had all the student body wishing they could be seen with me at every social function - school and private ones. In that dream, I was the girl every guy wanted to walk to class. I was the most beautiful and popular girl. But I couldn’t understand why Charlie wanted to see me.
“You sent me the roses.” I half asked and stated. I stood up. “May I ask why?”
“Because. . .” he motioned for us to sit, “I, well . . . I wanted to see you again to tell you something.” A smile crossed his lips. His eyes fell to the table as he reached for my hands. I breathed - taking in his smell. A little Stetson with a fresh scent of mint from his breathe, a brown moustache finely groomed above his lip, clothes pressed with the crease running down each length of his outreached arms to me. In my dream, Charlie was the one I wanted as my prom date. He was the guy who chose to ask my best friend instead of me. He was the one guy in school who knew exactly what he wanted and where he was going to go when school was out. He had major plans but now I remembered none of his plans included marrying or even thinking about children. He wanted to make the military his life. He was going to pragmatically marry the military.
“What do you want to tell me?” I let him take my hands as I looked into the eyes of a man who I had not seen in 17 years. He looked at me with a kindness and love only my husband has shown me.
“I am here because. Because, I need to talk to you. I need to let you know something. I need to be with you. I am here . . .” he looked down and away as he bit his lower lip. “I want to tell you that - that I had a crush on you in high school and - well - I was, I am . . . in love with you . . . I want you.” He looked up at me searching my face for some answers. “I want to start a relationship with you. To continue from high school. To take you to prom and make plans with the future with you.”
“Prom? Plans for the future?” I repeated his last words as I pulled back from his grasp.
“I know we can’t go to prom together but I want to make plans for the future with you. We still have time for that.” His face softened and pleaded for forgiveness. For a second I wanted to say yes. For a second, I wanted to reach across the table to plant a forceful yet submissive kiss on him. To touch his soft pink lips to mine. Ohh, to smell the fading aroma of Stetson to a stronger odor of masculinity, giving me butterflies into the depths of my stomach. For a second, I was taken back to my high school days of falling in love with every jock who looked my way. I wanted this second to last forever but reality pounded on me. I must have turned every color of red imaginable as my cheeks began to sting.
“Um, Charlie. I am married now. I have children. I have a job and a life.” I saw how he retreated into a state of denial. He looked at me with such admiration and kindness.
“Carol, I thought I could come back and start where I left off. I thought that things would be exactly like it was but I guess I was wrong. Everyone has changed but me. I know I just left and no one ever heard from me again but I do have a good reason.” He pulled out a picture. It was a picture of a brown headed young woman and a little boy child. “This is my mom. She was from Australia. She gave me up three months after that picture was taken. She told me that she couldn’t take care of me because her father and mother were deathly ill and she needed to take care of them. She was a nurse. Their nurse. Well, anyway, she made me come back to the states with my father.” He slumped back into the chair like a load was being lifted off of his chest.
“After my grandparents died, my father wouldn’t let me go back to live with her. He told her that I was better off here. That I was home and doing good. That going back to Australia would upset my delicate emotions and I could go into a state of depression if she took me away from the life I knew.” I was amazed at his story. To hear this made me think that my own existence was not important.
“I went to Australia after graduation to take care of my mom. She was dying of the same decease as her parents and now I have the same decease. I am destine to die of the same fate. That is why I chose not to marry. I chose not to have children.” A sigh of relief came from him. He was telling me all of this and taking a chance of things actually going his way.
I looked at my cell phone. “Oh no. I am late for work. I gotta go. I gotta get back to the office. I have a meeting with my boss in half an hour. Can we talk later?”
“Yea, um . . . how about over dinner tonight? Tell your husband you have to work late or something.” He let the words flow like a stream in spring.
“No, how about tomorrow. Same place. Same time.”
“Okay, then I don’t guess I have a choice. See you tomorrow.” He watched as I got my purse and phone and left the building. He motioned for the waitress to give him another cup of coffee while I watched through the bay window of the small café.
　
It was so real and today has just proven the fact that it was no dream. Am I living a nightmare? Well, that may not be the right word - more like surreal. I wonder if maybe a pinch would help? Nope, I’m awake. I went home that night wondering if my husband could tell something was bothering me? Wondering if I should tell him? I was on pins and needles all that night. Going to sleep was something I wasn’t looking forward to so I laid there looking up at the ceiling as my husband snored.
Another routine day until it was lunch time again. I asked my boss for an extra hour to run errands incase we got lost in time again. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I was sure that this was just an extension of that dream I had the other night and the lunch I had yesterday. I was upset with myself for letting this man come back into my life and to even have these thoughts of taking him up on his offer.
Could the grass be greener on the other side? I was beating myself up inside for even having these thoughts of disappearing with Charlie. When I got to my spot in the café, Charlie was no where to be seen. I ordered my salad and called my husband to see how things were going hoping he didn’t hear the subtle difference in my anxious tone.
Twenty-five minutes and he still wasn’t there. After five more minutes he was a no show. Maybe I really dreamed yesterday. The waitress came over to give me an envelope.
“That handsome man you were with yesterday came in this morning and asked me to give you this to you at exactly noon if he wasn’t here.” She handed me a white envelope.
The words “To Carol - Love Charlie” was written on the outside. I wanted to be something I am not. The dream gave me that opportunity - even if only for a day. Do I open the letter? Or do I let that part of my life die away?

Work, Work and More Work makes Lisa a Boring Girl!

I just got off work - for the second time. I worked my 10 hours at my full-time job - came home - ate - then went to work at my second part-time job. You may wonder why I have a part-time job - well I am too.

I have two reasons to do this part-time job. First of all, I need the extra money. I just got my second pay check and guess where it went? To the grocery store. On food. We gotta eat. The second reason is because it is helping me lose weight and gain muscle. This part-time job puts me on my feet for hours where my full time job doesn’t. I clean windows and mirrors so I am bending and stooping. I pull trash and replace the bags so that is more bending and lifting. I mop floors and that works out my whole body.

In case you haven’t guessed, I am doing janitor work. It gives me a work out for a minimum of 2 hours at the church we clean. I have been doing this for about a month now and I am just now getting use to it. I usually sweat and get hot and out of breath but it wasn’t so bad tonight. I thought after working 10 hours I would be more tired but here it is after midnight and I can’t sleep. I am working 4 days on my full-time job so I have Fridays off.

Since my schedule change I have added a new building. It will take me 5 hours to clean it. I will do it on Friday afternoons. This will give me more time to make some extra money and also more time to get the exercise because not only do I have 4 bathrooms to clean and classrooms to clean and windows to clean but I also have to vacuum. The vacuum we use is put on your back with straps. It is heavy and I have to have it strapped to my back. In order to unplug it from the wall so the cord will reach where I need to go, I have to bend over with it on. Not only am I going to do all that work but I have to mop 4 bathrooms and 4 classrooms.

I bought a 2 pack of those 5 hr energy shots that aren’t supposed to make you jittery or crash and burn. I will be trying it Friday. I hope to keep doing this to not only earn a little extra money but to help me get the needed exercise I need without going to the boring gym. But don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t dare give up my full time job for the second job.

So I am getting 2 extra hours on Mondays nights and Friday nights and I will get 2 extra hours Wednesday night because the church is Lutheran and they are having services Friday night.

So you might ask me when I sleep? I get by on 6 hours. I would like to take a nap at work but I only have half and hour instead of an hour so I can’t but I used to. When I look in the mirror I see dark circles under my eyes but a thinner face. Some people have noticed my body changing but the scales don’t tell the truth. My clothes fit better and looser. I think I am gaining muscle. When I get the courage to post a full length photo, I will.

So to make a long speech boring, I have come to the realization that I am a compulsive, perfectionist procrastinator.

The Alli Pill Setbacks March 31st Only 163 Days

I think I found one of the underlining causes of my overeating today. As you know I have been taking the Alli pill for a while now and it really helps but I found I can overeat and not reap the benefits of it’s pitfall. I over ate due to a very stressful situation that happened to me.
I really don’t want to get into specifics but the underlining cause is the frustration I feel with certain people. Most of the time I can just shrug off a problem but when a certain person gets me frustrated I overeat. I really wasn’t super hungry but I needed something so I walked to Burger King and bought a fish sandwich and a side salad with ranch. I love their fish sandwich with extra tartar sauce please. It is kind of like a comfort food to me.
I thought that I would get stuffed and not able to finish because I took an Alli pill a half hour before but it didn’t stop me. I have found that if I take the Alli pill closer to the time of eating I can’t eat as much but a half hour before doesn’t effect me as much.
But anyways, this stressful situation with a certain someone caused all kinds of emotions that made me want to open a pack of hot dogs - put them on the stove - grab a loaf of bread and eat all 8 dogs without even mustard. I did actually do that one time. A boyfriend of mine didn’t come to pick me up from my job after work like he promised. I had to walk. It was about 10 blocks and I was young so it didn’t bother me much because I was in such good shape but by the time I got home I was mad. He was sleeping. He didn’t pick me up because he was sleeping so I opened a pack of hot dogs and did just that - ate them all. Right there in front of him - standing next to the stove as he sat there at the kitchen table apologizing.
That same kind of frustration came over me today. And it did carry over into the day. I have practically eaten a whole box of macaroni and shells by myself tonight and I had 2 hot dogs earlier. Hot dogs and frustration go together. Even after everything I ate I still don’t feel satisfied. It is like I am looking for something to satisfy a craving.
I am not sure how to handle the frustration other than going for a walk or going to gym and punching a bag. I wasn’t able to do either because I have to work and when I got home I just didn’t feel like it. Frustration and Food go hand in hand. I don’t eat when I get upset or in a crisis situation or even get depressed like some people do. Frustration is the F word that causes all kinds of trouble for me.

P.S. I just finished off the last of the shells and cheese.

207 Days Until my 40th Birthday

Yes, it is only 207 days until I hit that number and I am sure feeling the pressure. I want to feel like I use to so I know I have to do this. I am still taking the Alli and I know I will have to buy more soon but I'm not sure I will be able to until we get our taxes done.

Another thing I am not sure about is being able to get online to blog as much. I have to let my home phone and internet go. The bill is due tomorrow and I just don't see being able to pay it before they decide to cut me off. It won't be the first time I will be without internet. All I have is this dial up and I really hate it.

When we get our taxes done, I want to go to Cricket and get that deal they have on the modem you plug in to a USB port. I have checked and they do cover our area. Basically it will be the same price, right at 40 plus tax. I think the home phone with dial up is like 38 or 39 dollars but Cricket will be faster. So unless I can get to the public library or go to my brothers house, I won't be blogging on here as much.

Before I switch and am without Internet at home, I hope that divulging so much personal information won't hurt me or my family. I worry about letting anyone who comes across my blog, facebook page, or myspace page getting personal information. Maybe I am being paranoid or just plain stupid, but I do realize that strangers could read anything I wrote.

Complete and total strangers know things about me. So why would I put things on this blog? that is my question. Am I looking for attention? Am I looking for sympathy? I guess I need to ask that of anyone else who advertises who they are on these blogs too. I believe I am just looking for a place to express my views. I am just looking for a place to voice my opinions. I am just looking for a place to write.

So, thanks for reading this and I will be back when and if I get that modem from Cricket.

Why do I still feel hungry?

My major question is "Why do I still feel hungry?"

The Alli pills are helping but they don't curb my appetite. I was so hungry when I woke up this morning. I went to bed eating a small bowl of chicken noodles about 11 PM. I had to warm up some food for him when he came in from his job so that made me hungry.

I woke up this morning and still hungry - I ate 2 packages of instant oatmeal when I should only be eating 1. I went into work and at 8 I was hungry. I put if off as long as 9 AM. I got out my package of crackers and jar of peanut butter. Put together 4 peanut butter and crackers. It held me over until 11, then my stomach started rumbling again.

I had brought a Hungry Man's Dinner. HINT: Don't ever buy those. It is packed with 800 calories and 400 fat calories. It was real high in fat but the Alli did not affect me in the least. I thought it would but I have been side effect free all day.

About 3:30 I got hungry again so I ate more peanut butter and crackers. I don't know if the fact that I was sick and had diarrhea bad for 2 days did something to my body or not. I haven't taken my water pills the past couple of days and I try to drink my water but that gremlin in my stomach tells my brain to eat.

I know I need to keep taking the pills so I will but my stomach talking to me while I am trying to work is not a good thing. I had some left over fat free hard candy's that I bought from the Dollar General Store at Christmas time which gave my mouth something to do when I wasn't talking on the phone. And something else that isn't helping is the Valentine Candy. I swore off chocolate but somebody put a few pieces in my mailbox at work so I succumb to the pressure and at a tiny square of of a chocolate chewy candy bar. It tasted so good but I felt so guilty. The temptation to eat chocolate during holidays is not fair especially on this holiday.

I would be posting a picture because I got a new phone with a camera but I got to get one of those little storage thingy besides the Sim card. When I get it I will probably become a picture taking fool and my son can put me some good music on it. It is a Sony Ericsson Walkman. I wanted a slider but this will do - It was free with the upgrade.

Well, thanks to my 6 followers now and feel free to comment on anything I write. I need the feedback. I am putting my life out in cyber land for anyone to read and I could get easily bored with this like myspace. (I don't think I have checked it in over a month now)

Some Things About Me You may Not Know

I have been reading other peoples blogs and there is usually one thing everyone blogs about - things you may or may not know about them. So I thought I might try my hand to give you an insight about who I am. Here it goes....

1. I was born in Illinois. Yup I'm a Yankee.

2. When I was 6 months old I rode a plane to Okinawa. My father was stationed over there so about the first 2 years of my life were spend overseas. (And I don't remember a thing but I got pictures) I have never been on an airplane since and I don't think I want to even want to ride one now.

3. My dad received a check from the military so he didn't work much. But I do remember traveling a lot. My brother was born in California and we lived everywhere in between there and Florida. We never lived in the Midwest like Utah or Nevada and we never lived in the northeast like New York or Ohio. So moving was something we did a lot until he finally settled on the little town of Sheridan, Arkansas. Even then, he had plans on going on south to Louisiana (boy am I glad we didn't - I hate hot and spice foods)

4. I learned to ride my first bike in Michigan. It's not easy riding a bike on snow.

5. We used to go swimming every summer at Cox Creek. We camped there and fished there. I had a lot of good times floating on my tire tube. I remember one summer they drained the lake. I went with my dad to walk around. Dead trees and trash mostly. There was this one part that still had water where people still went out to fish.

6. I learned to drive when I was 14 years old. When I drove my dads Cadillac to the revenue office to get my license, I almost hit the side of the brick building. When I was practicing, I was turning into the local Sonic and drove onto the grass in the front. Some boys in pick-up trucks where laughing at me. I starting laughing too. I blamed it on the semi that was on my tail. I was scared he was going to run over me.

7. I started smoking at age 19. I started with Virginia Slim 120s. I lived in Illinois. I was attending a two year college.

8. I married my ex at 19 also.

9. My one and only son, Brandon, was born right after I turned 21. I couldn't even go out a celebrate my 21st birthday. Legal to buy liquor but also 7 months pregnant.

10. I married my second husband at 23 and we have been married ever since.

11. My husband is 6, sometimes only 5 years older than me. What can I say, I like older men.

12. I never planned on having children but I wouldn't change a thing. My son is better than any college course I could ever have.

13. I never planned on getting married but when I found the right person I couldn't bare the thought of being alone.

14. I have been overweight most of my life. I blame it on the big folks in my family.

15. I lost 65 lbs when I was 17. I just made up my mind I wasn't going to be overweight any more. I set a goal and got down to 130 lbs.

16. My daddy also died when I was 17. He saw me lose the weight, graduate from high school, get a boyfriend and apply for college. The day he died I was in Monticello filling out applications and all that stuff you do to get enrolled as a freshman.

17. I have been at the same job with the state for the past 8 years going on 9 years this May.

18. I am a perfectionist but I put stuff off until the last minute.

19. I am a neat freak but hate to do laundry and do daily cleaning.

20. I love to take pictures.

21. I love to write stories.

22. I clip coupons but seldom use them because they are usually at home when I am at the store.

23. I don't think of myself as a smart person but people tell me I am.

24. I hated Spanish in college - 2 years of it. Never again.

25. I haven't had a chocolate candy bar or chocolate ice cream in 3 years.

26. I love reality TV. When the first episode of Road Rules came on TV in the 90's, my husband and I would watch it before anything else.

27. I love American Idol. Kelly Clarkson, Rueben Studdard, Carrie Underwood, Fantasia, Taylor Hicks, Jordan Sparks and David number 2. My prediction is a white female will win this season.

28. I have colored my hair ever since my mom would buy the hair color for me. So I don't know what my true hair color is.

29. I hate my moles.

30. Last but not least. I love my little 25 lbs, smooth coat, red dachshund. His name is Red. I got him when he was 6 months old. He is now 6 and a half. He has more gray hair than me. Yes, he is spoiled. I know it is a no-no but he sleeps with us. I want to have more little weenie dogs but I don't have the money to go buy a female.

And one more thing, the closest I have gotten to a boat is when my dad took me on his 16 foot fishing boat on Cox Creek. I have never been on a boat since.

Plan's for Valentines Day!

We have plan's for Valentines Day. We have my mother-in-laws van so have enough froom and just planned on taking Brandon and his girlfriend out to eat and to the movies but a friend of Eugene's from his last job came over with his wife. She recently broke her foot - that is a long story I can't go into but anyway, they are going to go out with us Saturday.

So I have to go to the gun show Saturday but after that we are going to go out to eat and to the movies. Eugene usually gets me a fruit basket or flowers sent to work but since things are tight we are just going to go out and have a good time. I don't know at this minute what movie to go see. It has been a long time since we went out. I think the last movie we went to see was "Are we there yet?" I would suggest bowling but she broke her foot so that is difinitely out of the question. I just hope they stay together and can work things out. A lot of couples have problems in there marriage but I hope they can make it work. Eugene and I have had lots of problems too but we always seem to work things out because I am always right and he is always wrong. lol

Well, I don't know what kind of Valentines Day you will have but I will be sure to blog about it. I sure to need a new camera so I can post some pictures. Blog later.

A Pretty Day

It is so nice outside. I would rather be outside but there is nothing to do so I am sitting at my computer doing this. I did go out and put rain-x on my car windows, my mother-in-laws van and my sisters van. I can't take a picture. I need a camera phone so I could, hopefully I can get a better phone soon. I have a motorola that I have had for two years now. My husband can't even keep his phone without breaking it, getting it wet or just plain destroying it for more than 6 months. Why are boy's and men so hard on there stuff? My son is excluded. I don't know why he has never been hard on his stuff but he doesn't break stuff like other boys.

I hope we can take my mother-in-laws van back next week end. We thought it was leaking transmission fluid but the guy who fixed it said it is not leaking. She spent a lot of money. The guy said he thinks it is leaking water around the head. I have no clue as what a head is on the motor but whatever.

I got a lot of things to do like get our taxes together. My brother and his wife came over earlier to talk. They just came back from Walmart. They are always going to Wally World. She had been taking Alli but the side effects have made her stop. She said she stopped because when he went to the doctor, she left a big greasy spot on that paper from her fart. She said she has to put towels on her furniture because it has really bothered her. So she stopped. It doesn't affect me like that. My sister has been taking them for a while also but Alli hasn't affect her either.

My brother is a real big fellow also. He said his insurance will pay for the lap band. My sister in law said Medicaid will pay for her to have the lap band. She has problems with her back and other things so she is a perfect canadite and so is he. My sister said she won't have the lap band because of the problems she has heard about others having. I know there are side effects and it may not be worth the trouble in the long run. We came from a big family. Lot's of big people in our family so I like to blame it on being hereditary.

So I guess my diet taking these Alli pills are working for me. I will post a picture soon. Bye for today.

DIET PROGRESS - TAKING THE ALLI PILL

There are 217 days left until my 40th birthday.

I have started taking the Alli pill. I have been taking them for two weeks now. My sister gave me a weeks worth then I am in the process of buying a starter pack from my sis-in-law. I gotta pay her on the 16th when I get paid. I think they are really helping. I still get hungry. They don't help with hunger pains but if I eat something I shouldn't it really lets me know.

I am also taking water pills to help with the swelling on my ankles after a long day of sitting behind a desk all day. Between the 2 I am doing good. I can tell a difference in my clothes. My sis-in-law has been taking them a long time but she hasn't been serious so she really hasn't lost any weight. My sister has been taking them for a couple of months and has lost 20 lbs. So there has to be something to this miracle little blue pill called ALLi.

I guess I will reap the benefits later. Yes, it does give you diarrhea if you eat the wrong thing. I found out just how bad it can be when I ate a small 99 cent bag of cheese puffs on the drive to Monticello last Saturday. I paid for it when I got to my mother-in-laws house. I didn't eat but half of the bag when my colon starting having a mind of its own.

One morning I ate some pancakes - don't ever eat pancakes with syrup! You will pay for it.

So I think I have found something to help me. I have tried so many diets. I tried the Atkins diet. Word of advice for women - DON'T DO ATKINS! You will go crazy! It messes with your emotions. The lack of carbs is hard on your body. Yes, you lose the weight but it will come back and with a vengeance. I lost 40 lbs and gained 80 lbs.

I have tried to just eat yogurt and cottage cheese - yuck! I loved yogurt and still do to a certain extent but I can't eat it like I did before.

I have tried to just buy those Weight Watcher and other diet frozen dinners. They don't work - you will be hungry and must eat something else with them.

I tried the gym. Yes, I was faithful. I went 3 days a week. Lost 40 lbs but you know what? It all came back plus more. Exercise is great but you can't quit. Now I can't find the energy to get my butt to the gym.

So I have done lots of different things and I think that taking this little blue pill that is very easy to swallow will be something I will have to keep taking for a long time. I have a hard time swallowing pills. I don't take vitamins because they are hard to swallow. I have even tried cutting them in half but then you have those jagged edges that may scrap the back of your throat. Ouch.

Well, I will be checking back in soon to let you know if I am losing weight. I am going to take a picture of myself for before and after shots but I'm not putting them on here until I lose some of the weight that I hate.

A Frustrating Day

I am frustrated!

I have been publishing my stories on Triond http://www.triond.com/users/LC+Sanders and I thought I would be doing better but I guess I need patience. I need patience with my diet and exercise, which I haven't started. I need patience with starting my book, which I haven't started. I joined Ad cents from google, which will take a couple of days to get started.

When I started this blogging adventure, I thought it would be a piece of cake but it is not. I am trying to promote myself. I am trying to get my stories out there into the Internet world of cyber space. I get good feedback but the people I want to leave me comments are not and I am not getting responses from people who are not on Triond. Oh Well...

So can you see why this can be frustrating. I am trying to promote myself. I googled my name and found out I am a singer and a diet doctor. (I wish)

Frustrating is a big word and thanks for listening to me rant. Hopefully I can comeback and read this and laugh because I am trying so hard to change.

I am trying to change not only what I eat and do but also how I think mentally. I use to worry so much about stuff. I just want to live and think positive. I even found a website where I downloaded a man talking about how to think positive. He has given me some good advice and I have been listening to it and it seems to work but things like making money is frustrating.

Thanks for listening to me rant and rave. So far my 39th year is turning out to be an adventure I have not prepared myself for.

Jan 2, 2009

It is the second day of the new year. Happy New Year!

Things aren't so great with us. I am so looking forward to moving down to our land. We are currently living with my mom in this five bedroom house but it is cramped. We have an acre down the road and it seems we can't even live there until we get a trailer. Luckily for us, my brother said he would sell us his camper. It ain't much but we don't need much. Brandon had grown wings and took off. He would rather be with his friends and I can't say I blame him.

We are going to buy his camper and put all our stuff in the trailer that is down there now but currently uninhabitable. I will have to take pictures. So as far a progress on my diet - quit cussing!! I don't want to think about that four letter word. I prefer maintain a healthy weight and exercise more. I am trying though. I have like 250 days left until my birthday so I have time.

I have been busy at work again this week. We were off for New Years Day but I am working tomorrow. My boss said we can have all the comp time we want (don't quote me). I love my job but I am seriously looking for something else this year. Doing the same thing for eight and a half years has been long and challenging but I do need new challenges.

Writing on this blog for anyone to read is a challenge. You don't know me from Eve but I am a real person. I have a life, even though some people may think I don't, I do have a mind. I am not a genius but I am not stupid either. I may be fat but I'm not ugly. I may be just like you. Just an ordinary person in this world so is trying to get her or his voice heard. I am trying to market myself - to vision myself as a writer. To vision myself as popular, wealth, and successfull. Am I asking too much?

So anyways, I added a list of links to my stories I have published on Triond. I haven't made much money. I email the links to people but I haven't had much success yet. I have more stories to tell but I also have that novel to write. I don't want to have them confused. I know this is a lot to read so I will cut this off and just say - I need to make this year as a year to take care of myself. I have been focusing all my energy on raising my son and taking care of my husband. I am going to take care of myself now.

I have had a very busy week. I worked all week at the state police. I have been working overtime due to the increase in numbers of mail that comes into our office. I believe we are at least four days behind on entering the applications but that is okay. We are understaffed and we do what we can. I have been able to work over to get comp time for later. Hopefully this bad weather won't make use what time I have accumulated.

But the most inventfull that that happened was Saturday. I was at work when I got a call from my soon to be sister in law. Seems she, my brother and my mother-in-law went to Walmart only to break down on the way home. My mother-in-law, I'll call her Catty, lives south of here and she comes up to visit us. But she can't stay with us because we have no room so she stays with my brother and his soon to be wife. She drove her van up Friday afternoon and they decided they needed to go to Walmart in her van. Well, when she called I thought she was joking around but it was serious. The transmission is shot. It just quit - no noise - no bells - no caputs - no nothing. Just quit going in drive. Reverse won't work either - just neutral. Luckily I had our truck so when my husband got there they were able to pull it to our house with a chain.

So stress is what I face now. With Catty here, and by the way, we have to take her home Saturday, Christmas without presents because we don't have the money and didn't plan for it - is making the Holidays Blue for me.

My husband lost his full time job in October. He is now working a parttime job. I have been working over at my job and we just don't seem to have any money for anything.

I know we are in a recession and it is people like us who feel the most effects. I am thankfull for one thing and that is the price of gas has gone down. It sure is nice to fill up my tank in my car for only $14.00.

I know this has turned into a long blog but hopefully next year things will improve. At this point in time any improvement is better that what we have now.

Long time - No write

I know that I haven't kept my promise. I was supposed to write everyday or at least try to. I was supposed to keep this as a promise to myself to lose the weight. Well, I have no excuse. I have been so busy that I have put this blog at the back of my mind.

I found Facebook and some school friends. What lead me back to this was a post from a girl at school who decided to write about what it's like to be divorced. She laid her heart out there for everyone to see. She claimed to be a private person and so do I but as you can tell - this is not the place to write if you don't want the whole world to know what is going on in your life.

So here it is. I have 268 days left to fullfill my promise to myself to lose this weight that has burdened me for most of my 20's and all of my 30's.

3 Days to my birthday

So I set out do to what I said I would do and

I did it.

So I actually got my treamill moved today. Don't pay attention to the date. I haven't updated the date on my digital camera. I did take this picture today.

That boy is my newphew Brian and Red even got in the picture.

Yes, this is my cramped bedroom. There are two dressers on top of each other and that black tape on the wall. Well, that is taped up because I couldn't find ducktape. The hole is in the wall because that is where the bathtub faucet is in the bathroom. We had to change out the faucet because the little pully-thing-a-ma-jig broke.

This is a closer picture of the cramped space but I think it will work.

That blue thing on the floor is a candle. I have been trying to get rid of it but it keeps coming back. It was in a box and somehow that box of stuff wound up on my bed when I was moving stuff so this candle is still here. I have used it one time. It doesn't put out much light. So if you want it, let me know and maybe I can find a way to give it to you.

I got this light that may get in the way but at least I can move it. Again don't pay attention to the date.

5 Days left until my birthday!

Okay, I have 5 days left and I am no where ready. I am not really feeling like I am looking forward to doing this. I mean I don't even know where to start. I haven't got that darn treadmill brought into my room yet. I meant to do it tonight but I just gotta do it tomorrow. I haven't thought about what I will and won't eat. I have been looking at all kinds of diets to try. Some could help me jump start my weight lose but I don't want to resort to eating on vegs. I have tried all kinds of diets and none of them appeal to me.

When I was 17 year old and a senior in high school, I made a promise to myself that if I hit the 200 lb mark I would go on a diet and I did. All I can remember about doing it then was riding my bike for hours in circle. I had a plan old bike and I road it ever night. I cut back on my eating to the point that I only had one grapefruit a day. I woke up one morning at 129 lbs. I was skinny. I felt good but I had to start eating. I don't think I paid much attention to what I ate or when I ate so I didn't put the weight back on until Brandon came along.

Food is an obsession and I think it is for most women. Looking at other women and thinking that skinny bitch could eat anything and not gain an ounce is also what most women think when they see a skinny woman. Obsession with food is a problem with me and I'm not sure when it started.

Did it start when I was a child? We have a lot of food in the house. Mom cooked and I don't ever remember eating fastfood as a child. We may have gone to McDonalds every now and then but I can't recall a single time that happened before I graduated highschool.

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Maybe my obsession started from my failed first marriage. Did the worrying about him cause it? I remember one time that I started eating hot dogs and couldn't quit until I had ate about half a package. I was living with a man I'll call Freddie. Now Freddie was a year younger than me and his mom moved out west with her new husband so they left the house for him. They paid all the bills and gave him money. He let me move in with him and practically took my whole pay check everytime I got paid. He had a little part-time job after school witch turned full-time after he graduated. But this one particular time, he was supposed to come pick me up from work. It was about 6 blocks away. I waited and waited but he never came so I had to walk when I got off work. When I got there, he was asleep. I got mad. I went into the kitchen and put a whole pack of hot dogs on to boil. I stood there by the stove as he sat at the kitchen table. I can't remember everything he said but I was pissed. I starting eating those hotdogs on bread one right after the other. He kept criticizing me. He was saying things that made me eat more. Now, remember this was a good year before I married my first husband. I know I had gained a little weight but it wasn't until I got pregnant a year after we married that I gained the weight.

I'm not sure what put the weight on. I did a lot of walking but I did a lot of eating because he was gone alot and when he was there he didn't talk to me. So maybe the criticizem and lack of attention caused me to eat. Maybe it was the way he talked to me. Maybe it was not any of those things because I am still overweight even with my second husband who has been nothing but wonderfull to me.

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Well, I have been trying to find a solution to this problem but to no avail.
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To change the subject. I do have access to a gym. The gym is free and at my work. So you maybe wondering what I am doing with a treadmill at home and not going to that gym? I have gone in the past and find that it is time consuming. It is really hard to JUST GO. To tell you what I have access to is 4 treadmills, an eclipse, stationary bikes and all kinds of weights. There are probably about 30 machines.

I will try to post some more pictures soon. When I get this darn treadmill moved I will take a picture.

8 Days left before my birthday

I only have 8 days left before my Birthday. This is my computer that I am working on to publish this blog. One week from tomorrow and I will be 39 years old. I guess the reality of what I am doing here has not sunk in to me yet. I got to get motivated to do this and when I go back and read this, maybe it will help motivate me to get going. I still have a lot to do. I got to move my treadmill to my bedroom. I have to have it in here with me to remind me to get on it every morning. I can get on it in the morning while watching the morning news and when I am watching "The Young and the Restless" that I recorded on my VCR. I haven't even starting thinking about what I will and won't eat but I know my eating has to change also. There isn't much going on around here. I have been busy at work and I am keeping busy at home. In case I haven't mentioned it, I have a myspace that I have added it to my links on my page. Well, I got to go to bed because I need my sleep.