I have had a very busy week. I worked all week at the state police. I have been working overtime due to the increase in numbers of mail that comes into our office. I believe we are at least four days behind on entering the applications but that is okay. We are understaffed and we do what we can. I have been able to work over to get comp time for later. Hopefully this bad weather won't make use what time I have accumulated.

But the most inventfull that that happened was Saturday. I was at work when I got a call from my soon to be sister in law. Seems she, my brother and my mother-in-law went to Walmart only to break down on the way home. My mother-in-law, I'll call her Catty, lives south of here and she comes up to visit us. But she can't stay with us because we have no room so she stays with my brother and his soon to be wife. She drove her van up Friday afternoon and they decided they needed to go to Walmart in her van. Well, when she called I thought she was joking around but it was serious. The transmission is shot. It just quit - no noise - no bells - no caputs - no nothing. Just quit going in drive. Reverse won't work either - just neutral. Luckily I had our truck so when my husband got there they were able to pull it to our house with a chain.

So stress is what I face now. With Catty here, and by the way, we have to take her home Saturday, Christmas without presents because we don't have the money and didn't plan for it - is making the Holidays Blue for me.

My husband lost his full time job in October. He is now working a parttime job. I have been working over at my job and we just don't seem to have any money for anything.

I know we are in a recession and it is people like us who feel the most effects. I am thankfull for one thing and that is the price of gas has gone down. It sure is nice to fill up my tank in my car for only $14.00.

I know this has turned into a long blog but hopefully next year things will improve. At this point in time any improvement is better that what we have now.

Long time - No write

I know that I haven't kept my promise. I was supposed to write everyday or at least try to. I was supposed to keep this as a promise to myself to lose the weight. Well, I have no excuse. I have been so busy that I have put this blog at the back of my mind.

I found Facebook and some school friends. What lead me back to this was a post from a girl at school who decided to write about what it's like to be divorced. She laid her heart out there for everyone to see. She claimed to be a private person and so do I but as you can tell - this is not the place to write if you don't want the whole world to know what is going on in your life.

So here it is. I have 268 days left to fullfill my promise to myself to lose this weight that has burdened me for most of my 20's and all of my 30's.

3 Days to my birthday

So I set out do to what I said I would do and

I did it.

So I actually got my treamill moved today. Don't pay attention to the date. I haven't updated the date on my digital camera. I did take this picture today.

That boy is my newphew Brian and Red even got in the picture.

Yes, this is my cramped bedroom. There are two dressers on top of each other and that black tape on the wall. Well, that is taped up because I couldn't find ducktape. The hole is in the wall because that is where the bathtub faucet is in the bathroom. We had to change out the faucet because the little pully-thing-a-ma-jig broke.

This is a closer picture of the cramped space but I think it will work.

That blue thing on the floor is a candle. I have been trying to get rid of it but it keeps coming back. It was in a box and somehow that box of stuff wound up on my bed when I was moving stuff so this candle is still here. I have used it one time. It doesn't put out much light. So if you want it, let me know and maybe I can find a way to give it to you.

I got this light that may get in the way but at least I can move it. Again don't pay attention to the date.

5 Days left until my birthday!

Okay, I have 5 days left and I am no where ready. I am not really feeling like I am looking forward to doing this. I mean I don't even know where to start. I haven't got that darn treadmill brought into my room yet. I meant to do it tonight but I just gotta do it tomorrow. I haven't thought about what I will and won't eat. I have been looking at all kinds of diets to try. Some could help me jump start my weight lose but I don't want to resort to eating on vegs. I have tried all kinds of diets and none of them appeal to me.

When I was 17 year old and a senior in high school, I made a promise to myself that if I hit the 200 lb mark I would go on a diet and I did. All I can remember about doing it then was riding my bike for hours in circle. I had a plan old bike and I road it ever night. I cut back on my eating to the point that I only had one grapefruit a day. I woke up one morning at 129 lbs. I was skinny. I felt good but I had to start eating. I don't think I paid much attention to what I ate or when I ate so I didn't put the weight back on until Brandon came along.

Food is an obsession and I think it is for most women. Looking at other women and thinking that skinny bitch could eat anything and not gain an ounce is also what most women think when they see a skinny woman. Obsession with food is a problem with me and I'm not sure when it started.

Did it start when I was a child? We have a lot of food in the house. Mom cooked and I don't ever remember eating fastfood as a child. We may have gone to McDonalds every now and then but I can't recall a single time that happened before I graduated highschool.

************************************************************************************

Maybe my obsession started from my failed first marriage. Did the worrying about him cause it? I remember one time that I started eating hot dogs and couldn't quit until I had ate about half a package. I was living with a man I'll call Freddie. Now Freddie was a year younger than me and his mom moved out west with her new husband so they left the house for him. They paid all the bills and gave him money. He let me move in with him and practically took my whole pay check everytime I got paid. He had a little part-time job after school witch turned full-time after he graduated. But this one particular time, he was supposed to come pick me up from work. It was about 6 blocks away. I waited and waited but he never came so I had to walk when I got off work. When I got there, he was asleep. I got mad. I went into the kitchen and put a whole pack of hot dogs on to boil. I stood there by the stove as he sat at the kitchen table. I can't remember everything he said but I was pissed. I starting eating those hotdogs on bread one right after the other. He kept criticizing me. He was saying things that made me eat more. Now, remember this was a good year before I married my first husband. I know I had gained a little weight but it wasn't until I got pregnant a year after we married that I gained the weight.

I'm not sure what put the weight on. I did a lot of walking but I did a lot of eating because he was gone alot and when he was there he didn't talk to me. So maybe the criticizem and lack of attention caused me to eat. Maybe it was the way he talked to me. Maybe it was not any of those things because I am still overweight even with my second husband who has been nothing but wonderfull to me.

*****************************************************************

Well, I have been trying to find a solution to this problem but to no avail.
*****************************************************************

To change the subject. I do have access to a gym. The gym is free and at my work. So you maybe wondering what I am doing with a treadmill at home and not going to that gym? I have gone in the past and find that it is time consuming. It is really hard to JUST GO. To tell you what I have access to is 4 treadmills, an eclipse, stationary bikes and all kinds of weights. There are probably about 30 machines.

I will try to post some more pictures soon. When I get this darn treadmill moved I will take a picture.

8 Days left before my birthday

I only have 8 days left before my Birthday. This is my computer that I am working on to publish this blog. One week from tomorrow and I will be 39 years old. I guess the reality of what I am doing here has not sunk in to me yet. I got to get motivated to do this and when I go back and read this, maybe it will help motivate me to get going. I still have a lot to do. I got to move my treadmill to my bedroom. I have to have it in here with me to remind me to get on it every morning. I can get on it in the morning while watching the morning news and when I am watching "The Young and the Restless" that I recorded on my VCR. I haven't even starting thinking about what I will and won't eat but I know my eating has to change also. There isn't much going on around here. I have been busy at work and I am keeping busy at home. In case I haven't mentioned it, I have a myspace that I have added it to my links on my page. Well, I got to go to bed because I need my sleep.

11 days to my B-Day

It is 11 days to my birthday! I am getting prepared to set my starting date. I am really trying to get a mind set of I have to do this not only for my health but also my emotional state of mind. I think I will be better, look better, feel better and be a better person in my 40's than I have been in my 20's and 30's. Well, I gotta go. Talk later, Lisa

My Deadly Sins and my dog, RED

The following are a couple of my deadly sins.

Fried Potatoes with onions, yum yum.

But I didn't eat these, I gave them all to my husband.

2 whole cups of white sugar for 1 gallon of Lipton Tea.

Unfortunately this is the most desirable drink to me.

I will usually make about 4 picture a weekend. But it is not only me who drinks this. My husband loves sweet tea and my son does too but he wasn't here most of this weekend.

Before I can get it made, my little dog, RED is barking

and begging for a bowl.

This is Lucy on the left, she belongs to my mom.
Red on the left is willing to share with her.

When he is finished, he usually starts barking for more.

I usually wont' skimp on Lipton tea nor Miracle Whip salad dressing. I drink a lot of tea and I need to find a substitute. I am going to try to stop eating things that require Miracle Whip such as sandwiches, salads, etc.

My Treadmill

This is my treadmill I will be using.

I can set it so I can see how many calories I burn.

So you see why I am doing this?

So you see why I am doing this?

I can't live like this anymore. I have to lose the weight or die trying.

It is now or never. I don't want to be like this in my 40's. I have 19 more days to my 39th Birthday and I have to do this.

This was taken August 3rd at Willow Springs for my mom's 66th birthday party. Arleen took this picture and it really makes me look like I am over 300 lbs. I may not be over 300 but I do feel like I am and this picture proves it.

While out there, I noticed there were other big women also and there are men, like my husband, who has no problem with my being big. It's not that he doesn't mind - it is the fact that I mind. I have always minded. Being overweight is something I have dealt with all my life and I am not happy about it.

Since I have 19 more days to start my diet, I will try to get more photos on here and keep myself reminded why I am doing this.

20 days to my Birthday

It is 20 days to my Birthday 9-11. I will be 39 yrs old. This will be the last year before my 40's start and I really fall apart physically. My mom is diabetic and I think my sister is also and I know my brother will be so I want to get a head start of losing the weight before it comes down to having to lose the weight. I know the picture of my is pretty good. I was in my early 30's and I don't want to put a pic of me on here right now.
I didn't realize how big I really am. I want to lose all of this fat so my 40's will be better than my 30's. I was hoping my 30's would be better than my 20's and it started out good. I joined a gym and everything. I lost 40 lbs but gained it all back plus some. Coming from a big family hasn't helped any either.
I am changing the name of my blog title "I am a writer wannabe" to something better like "My 39th year"
I have 20 days to get prepared. I am more determined now than ever to start losing. I can't join a gym because of money. I can't do weight watchers or Jenny Craig because of money, unless you want to give me money to pay for it? Just kidding. But I do have a treadmill at home and access to a gym at work. I can buy weight watcher dinners at Krogers for a resonable price.
In the next 20 days, I am going to prepare to start losing. It is like when you set a date to stop smoking. Once you get to that day, you lay that cigarette down. You use a patch or gym or pill to help stop the cravings. I have been there twice. I quit smoking in 98 by using nicotine gum. It did the trick but I starting being around my brother more often and started smoking on the weekends which turned into all week. I quit that second time using the patch. It worked too. They say a smoker takes 10 or more times to actually quit and stay quit. I don't plan on picking the habit back up but my chances are more likely than say someone, like my husband, who has never put a cigarette to his lips.
So many times I quit cigaretts and so many times I have tried to lose weight. Weight lose is harder because you have to eat. I have tried the Atkins diet. I have tried the gym. I have used those mini-thins you can buy a truck stop on the counter. I have tried those Fiber Choice Weight Management you can buy at walmart. The best thing about fiber is that it keeps me from being constipated.
I haven't joined a support group yet. I am thinking about it but first off I want to start keeping track of my progress on my blog for the whole world to see. Why do I want the whole world to see my progress is not clear to me at this time but I have been thinking about it all day. I have to start doing something to get rid of this fat that is so ugly. I think this maybe a way to keep a check on myself because I know if I do this I will have to account for myself. This is different than when I joined the gym. I got on TV and we were on TV and I really was motivated at first but when the pounds kept getting harder and harder to come off I just kind of quit trying. It seemed that going to the gym was not helping any longer.
So this time will be different. And by the way, in the last blog I meantioned that I was worried about my husband, well not now, he told me that when he took her home he said he would help her pay her cell phone bill until she could get on her feet. She must have thought he wanted some sex from her but he told me he told her that he didn't want sex from her, only to help her get back on her feet. He said she was surprised and was shocked that a man would help her without wanting sex in return. He basically said " I have a wife. I am not wanting sex from you or any other woman." This makes me feel better. and plus he was home before 4 when Brandon got home from school.
*******************************
What I intend to do with this blog.
1. Post everyday - what I did - like - ate, exercised, slept, being lazy, worked, stressed, etc.
2. Write about how I feel about what I did.
3. Find someone to share my blog with that will give positive feed back so I won't give up.
4. Post pictures of my progress.
5. It will start on my 39th birthday and end on my 40th birthday.
7. Also write stories. I have a story started on myspace page which I intend to finish. I plan on having that story also finished when I turn 40.
8. It is my son's junior year so I intend to tell you about him.
9. Tell you about my life in general at home, including husband, mom, etc.
10. I am not sure. I am out of ideas but I will come back to this one.

**********************************
So now the rest is up to me. Please come back and read about me. I need a good support group eventhough right now I am my own group. I didn't realize how big I actually am until my sis-in-law took a pic of me one sunday when we went swimming. I was wearing a sleevless shirt and I had my glasses on. I wear contacts. My face is really square and I feel really fat right now. I will post pictures later. That is all for now. Tomorrow it will be 19 days to my birthday.

Half a days work.

I worked half a day. Half a day is hard to work. I had to get up early so we could go pick up some woman that is renting a trailer from a friend of my husbands. She needed a ride to her parole officer. A parole officer? She is only the second person I ever met that had a parole office. I am not sure why she is on parole or why she is even in Arkansas. According to what my husband has found out and told me is that her husband is in California and she is not going back to him. She happens to be about the same age as my husband. I am 6 years younger than him and sometimes I worry. My husband wants to work her to help us sell stuff on ebay. We dropped her off and I took him to the doctor. I couldn't go back with him because they did a procedure where they stick a camera in your ding-a-ling. It took 2 hours. Finally when he was done he was hurting. He said it hurt because that place is a virgin.They didn't find anything and has to go back in 3 months for some other type of test. So after that and praying the debt card we have would go through as credit and not cause an overdraft at our bank and so far it's just pending. We went to go pick the lady back up. She sat in the back seat but after dropping me off at BK behind my place of employement, she had no problem moving to the front seat and waving buh bye to me. She has two things over my head. One, she is closer to his age and two, she is smaller than me. I know I'm big but until I saw a recent picture of myself, I didn't realize how big. I don't feel big but I guess I am. I come from a big family. My mom was big before diabetes. My sister is big and my brother is even bigger. The only thing I have over her would be that I am younger. I think I am like most other women and feel threatened by other women. I worry about my husband cheating and he worrys about me finding another man. Maybe I am just worrying too much because my hormones are out of wack. I hope that this is all it is and his not answering his phone for 2 hours and claiming to fall asleep over at the land lord to this woman and him reseting the milage on the car odometer so it showed 40 miles when he picked me up from work after I reset it this morning after filling up and almost half a tank of gas gone - is only my hormones getting in the way?

Hello fellow bloggers.

Hello, fellow bloggers. I am a writer wannabe. I have a myspace account lazylisa2012 also and I am on 360. This is totally new to me. I found it on mybloglog.com which I am also named lazylisa2012. I choose 2012 because the Myan Calender ends that year and I may not longer be around after that year,- Just Kidding-.