I have started a new website called married in Arkansas. Since I am no longer 39, I have started a new blog about my married life with my husband. Please go to
http://www.marriedinarkansas.blogspot.com/
Over the Hump?
13 hours ago
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Good Intentions But Again I Am A Failure
Yes, I did name the title of this blog "Good Intentions but again I am a failure." I have every reason to feel like a failure at this point. I have 4 days left until my 40th Birthday and I did not completed the task I set out to do.
I started out with a plan. I posted new blogs but not enough. Life got in my way. I wanted so much to follow through with the things I "Intend" to accomplish but somehow, someway, sometime, someone, something always - always seemed to come up to put a road block in my way.
So I am making a fresh start. I have started a new blog. I wanted to call it "My 40th Year and life with my husband." But I am seriously thinking about renaming it "Married Life in Arkansas" or something like that. (I know I am not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I don't know how else to end that sentence.)
I have looked back at what I have done and what I have NOT done. What I haven't done outweighs what I have done by a ton. I think that life gets in the way of "good intentions." Life gets in the way and I strayed from what I needed to do. I have thought that maybe I have ADD. (Attention Deficit Disorder) I know I don't have ADHD because I am definitely not hyper.
Some things that have gotten in my way as to why I haven't followed through includes: work, money problems and my son. I say work because I did take on a second part-time job for extra money because we have had so much money problems. I probably shouldn't be too specific because we all have problems unless you are rich. (I think all rich people don't have money problems. This may not be true but at least they aren't hoping their next paycheck hits the bank before the debt from their account for the gas they needed in their car so they could get home - happens) You would think a married couple could make it but with Eugene being fired from Kenworth and our income being literally cut in half made it especially hard. I really wish I didn't need money to survive but we all do and if you have had collection calls on past due bills then you can understand what I am talking about.
Another thing in life that has gotten in the way of my good intentions is my son practically giving up on high school. He intentionally failed classes because he saw no sense in going because he missed one to many days. He should have graduated this year. He should be going to college, driving and have a job but he doesn't. I don't blame him or hate him or regret the decisions we made with him. He is a smart child and sometimes too smart for his own good. He has that Adamson temper, that Adamson personality, and that Adamson charm.
You could tell him that GOD doesn't kill people and he will argue that fact. In fact, he did this just today. He said "GOD killed ten thousand people in the Bible and the devil only killed ten people. So who is the bad guy?" His arguement is that the devil didn't kill as many people in the Bible as GOD did so the devil isn't the bad guy. I could not argue with him. I did not attempt to argue with him over this. I pick and choose my battles and I did not not want to have a religious showdown with my son.
It does hurt to have my son not doing the things I had thought he should do. Would I change anything? No. We gave him the power to choose for himself what is good and bad. We gave him freedom to express himself. Does he do drugs? No. Does he smoke? No. He has told me that I and do believe him. Can he lie to my face? Probably and probably has but he is my only child and I have had to let him have wings.
So life has really gotten in my way of my success in losing the weight, of taking the challenge of redefining who and what I am, and of making things successful. I do not think I am any better than anyone else. I do not think I am deserving to be envious of at all. If anything, I should be envious of every other woman in America. I have had coworkers and friends who think that I have it all and deep down inside "I don't understand why."
In my eyes, I am so blessed to have the husband who loves me for who and what I am. I am blessed to be in pretty good health. I am so blessed to have a son who isn't in trouble with the law or does drugs. I am so blessed to be able to have this ability to write. To write about what I know and to be able to post my stories on a website that will publish my writings. I am so blessed to be one of GOD's children and to know that there is more to life and that we will go on.
I was on my facebook page and a friend from school mentioned something about another friend from school who said we should keep her family in our prayers. I knew this had something to do with a medical problem but I don't know to what extent the illness had taken. This friend from school would be about the same age as I am, maybe a little older but not much. To know someone has died from something that could have been something I had makes me glad for the things I do have in this life. And even if this had happened to a friend from school anytime since school had been out - gives me pause to what has happened this past year - it makes me realize that things could have been worse.
So I am not trying to be preachy here, I am not trying to turn the subject around to make you count your blessing. But I had good intentions and I failed. We all fail in life. I started out thinking that I could hold myself accountable, that I would feel ashamed about not blogging everyday so I would have to blog more. I had good intentions. Intentions are not enough in life. Intentions didn't get me through the last year. What I intended to do did not come true for me. If I had total control of my life, I would have succeeded. I would have lost over a hundred pounds. I would be better financially. I would have my book almost finished. BUT, life got in the way so I failed in my eyes.
Something about all this tells me that no matter what I want I am not in control of my life. I do not sit in the pilot seat. I do not have magical powers. I cannot control other people and I cannot make things happen.
I want to end by saying that good intentions are not good enough in this world. I may have failed with my intentions but my blessings are many so don't judge me. I am not in my pilot seat.
I started out with a plan. I posted new blogs but not enough. Life got in my way. I wanted so much to follow through with the things I "Intend" to accomplish but somehow, someway, sometime, someone, something always - always seemed to come up to put a road block in my way.
So I am making a fresh start. I have started a new blog. I wanted to call it "My 40th Year and life with my husband." But I am seriously thinking about renaming it "Married Life in Arkansas" or something like that. (I know I am not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I don't know how else to end that sentence.)
I have looked back at what I have done and what I have NOT done. What I haven't done outweighs what I have done by a ton. I think that life gets in the way of "good intentions." Life gets in the way and I strayed from what I needed to do. I have thought that maybe I have ADD. (Attention Deficit Disorder) I know I don't have ADHD because I am definitely not hyper.
Some things that have gotten in my way as to why I haven't followed through includes: work, money problems and my son. I say work because I did take on a second part-time job for extra money because we have had so much money problems. I probably shouldn't be too specific because we all have problems unless you are rich. (I think all rich people don't have money problems. This may not be true but at least they aren't hoping their next paycheck hits the bank before the debt from their account for the gas they needed in their car so they could get home - happens) You would think a married couple could make it but with Eugene being fired from Kenworth and our income being literally cut in half made it especially hard. I really wish I didn't need money to survive but we all do and if you have had collection calls on past due bills then you can understand what I am talking about.
Another thing in life that has gotten in the way of my good intentions is my son practically giving up on high school. He intentionally failed classes because he saw no sense in going because he missed one to many days. He should have graduated this year. He should be going to college, driving and have a job but he doesn't. I don't blame him or hate him or regret the decisions we made with him. He is a smart child and sometimes too smart for his own good. He has that Adamson temper, that Adamson personality, and that Adamson charm.
You could tell him that GOD doesn't kill people and he will argue that fact. In fact, he did this just today. He said "GOD killed ten thousand people in the Bible and the devil only killed ten people. So who is the bad guy?" His arguement is that the devil didn't kill as many people in the Bible as GOD did so the devil isn't the bad guy. I could not argue with him. I did not attempt to argue with him over this. I pick and choose my battles and I did not not want to have a religious showdown with my son.
It does hurt to have my son not doing the things I had thought he should do. Would I change anything? No. We gave him the power to choose for himself what is good and bad. We gave him freedom to express himself. Does he do drugs? No. Does he smoke? No. He has told me that I and do believe him. Can he lie to my face? Probably and probably has but he is my only child and I have had to let him have wings.
So life has really gotten in my way of my success in losing the weight, of taking the challenge of redefining who and what I am, and of making things successful. I do not think I am any better than anyone else. I do not think I am deserving to be envious of at all. If anything, I should be envious of every other woman in America. I have had coworkers and friends who think that I have it all and deep down inside "I don't understand why."
In my eyes, I am so blessed to have the husband who loves me for who and what I am. I am blessed to be in pretty good health. I am so blessed to have a son who isn't in trouble with the law or does drugs. I am so blessed to be able to have this ability to write. To write about what I know and to be able to post my stories on a website that will publish my writings. I am so blessed to be one of GOD's children and to know that there is more to life and that we will go on.
I was on my facebook page and a friend from school mentioned something about another friend from school who said we should keep her family in our prayers. I knew this had something to do with a medical problem but I don't know to what extent the illness had taken. This friend from school would be about the same age as I am, maybe a little older but not much. To know someone has died from something that could have been something I had makes me glad for the things I do have in this life. And even if this had happened to a friend from school anytime since school had been out - gives me pause to what has happened this past year - it makes me realize that things could have been worse.
So I am not trying to be preachy here, I am not trying to turn the subject around to make you count your blessing. But I had good intentions and I failed. We all fail in life. I started out thinking that I could hold myself accountable, that I would feel ashamed about not blogging everyday so I would have to blog more. I had good intentions. Intentions are not enough in life. Intentions didn't get me through the last year. What I intended to do did not come true for me. If I had total control of my life, I would have succeeded. I would have lost over a hundred pounds. I would be better financially. I would have my book almost finished. BUT, life got in the way so I failed in my eyes.
Something about all this tells me that no matter what I want I am not in control of my life. I do not sit in the pilot seat. I do not have magical powers. I cannot control other people and I cannot make things happen.
I want to end by saying that good intentions are not good enough in this world. I may have failed with my intentions but my blessings are many so don't judge me. I am not in my pilot seat.
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