5 Days left until my birthday!

Okay, I have 5 days left and I am no where ready. I am not really feeling like I am looking forward to doing this. I mean I don't even know where to start. I haven't got that darn treadmill brought into my room yet. I meant to do it tonight but I just gotta do it tomorrow. I haven't thought about what I will and won't eat. I have been looking at all kinds of diets to try. Some could help me jump start my weight lose but I don't want to resort to eating on vegs. I have tried all kinds of diets and none of them appeal to me.

When I was 17 year old and a senior in high school, I made a promise to myself that if I hit the 200 lb mark I would go on a diet and I did. All I can remember about doing it then was riding my bike for hours in circle. I had a plan old bike and I road it ever night. I cut back on my eating to the point that I only had one grapefruit a day. I woke up one morning at 129 lbs. I was skinny. I felt good but I had to start eating. I don't think I paid much attention to what I ate or when I ate so I didn't put the weight back on until Brandon came along.

Food is an obsession and I think it is for most women. Looking at other women and thinking that skinny bitch could eat anything and not gain an ounce is also what most women think when they see a skinny woman. Obsession with food is a problem with me and I'm not sure when it started.

Did it start when I was a child? We have a lot of food in the house. Mom cooked and I don't ever remember eating fastfood as a child. We may have gone to McDonalds every now and then but I can't recall a single time that happened before I graduated highschool.

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Maybe my obsession started from my failed first marriage. Did the worrying about him cause it? I remember one time that I started eating hot dogs and couldn't quit until I had ate about half a package. I was living with a man I'll call Freddie. Now Freddie was a year younger than me and his mom moved out west with her new husband so they left the house for him. They paid all the bills and gave him money. He let me move in with him and practically took my whole pay check everytime I got paid. He had a little part-time job after school witch turned full-time after he graduated. But this one particular time, he was supposed to come pick me up from work. It was about 6 blocks away. I waited and waited but he never came so I had to walk when I got off work. When I got there, he was asleep. I got mad. I went into the kitchen and put a whole pack of hot dogs on to boil. I stood there by the stove as he sat at the kitchen table. I can't remember everything he said but I was pissed. I starting eating those hotdogs on bread one right after the other. He kept criticizing me. He was saying things that made me eat more. Now, remember this was a good year before I married my first husband. I know I had gained a little weight but it wasn't until I got pregnant a year after we married that I gained the weight.

I'm not sure what put the weight on. I did a lot of walking but I did a lot of eating because he was gone alot and when he was there he didn't talk to me. So maybe the criticizem and lack of attention caused me to eat. Maybe it was the way he talked to me. Maybe it was not any of those things because I am still overweight even with my second husband who has been nothing but wonderfull to me.

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Well, I have been trying to find a solution to this problem but to no avail.
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To change the subject. I do have access to a gym. The gym is free and at my work. So you maybe wondering what I am doing with a treadmill at home and not going to that gym? I have gone in the past and find that it is time consuming. It is really hard to JUST GO. To tell you what I have access to is 4 treadmills, an eclipse, stationary bikes and all kinds of weights. There are probably about 30 machines.

I will try to post some more pictures soon. When I get this darn treadmill moved I will take a picture.